Two posts in one day...shocking, I know!!

But I have to get it out...before my head explodes.

So here I was, all hurt/upset/angry that my parents are coming to the recitals this weekend (see below, in case you missed that rant) but taking a tiny bit of comfort in knowing the my sister was coming with her kids to watch Ana's recital.

Then the phone rang....

Seems my sister sliced her hand open on a can of green beans tonight and ended up in the emergency room. She may have severed a tendon in her hand. Long story short, she's not coming this weekend either.

*Sigh*

So now, there won't be anyone but us (as in Ben, Gabriel and me) on Sunday at Ana's recital. She's worked so hard all year and should really be showing off for her family & friends and none of them can make it. I feel like she'll be the only kid there with nobody but her parents. And that makes me so sad for my girl.

She cried most of the way home tonight when we told her that my sister & the kids weren't coming. She's so upset, which of course sent me over the edge...

**Double Sigh**

I wasn't going to...

but I feel compelled.

I also feel that if I don't my head just may explode.

I am so angry.

And hurt.

Really more hurt than angry, truth be told, but angry nonetheless.

Ana & Gabriel have recital this weekend. For Gabriel, it marks his second time on stage and really is a fun thing for him. For Ana though, my sweet Ana. It marks the end of a year of hard work and a lot of dedication on her party. For almost a year, we have watched her twirling & pirouetting and leaping and tapping everywhere, trying to get it all just right. The child gets up first thing in the morning thinking about dance and goes to sleep at night thinking about dance. She can, at this point, do these numbers in her sleep.

Ana has 6 dances! SIX!! She's only 8 years old. She has ballet, tap, jazz, lyrical, musical theater and a tap solo. She knows them all and does them really well. She looks so cute in her costumes, too!

Why am I upset/hurt/angry?

Ana has had 3 competitions this year, some of which required us to have her dressed & ready at 7:15 - yes, in the MORNING!!. Two of those competitions were fairly local, 1 was in South Carolina. She also had a Showcase, where she performed 5 of her 6 dances prior to the first competition.

We invited my parents, her grandparents, to every event that she's done her routines at. Hell, she even did her solo at a Winter Carnival at her school.

They've not shown up once!

Now, granted, they DO live 2 1/2 hours away, but still! They've had plenty of notice. The recital, the showcase, all of it was on the calendar in August! I gave my mother ALL of the dates then! They just got back from being in Texas for a week! But they can't come up to watch their grandchildren's recital?

I know that I shouldn't expect anything from them (or anyone else really). Ana dances because she loves it and she loves that we're (Ben & I) there to see her dance. But what sort of message does that send to her? They never miss my nephews ball games, whether it's soccer, baseball or basketball. When they did miss one this past weekend, they called *just* after it finished to see how he did.

When Ana went to competition, my mother NEVER called to see. My girl scored well too! And was excited and got trophies...large ones...for her accomplishments. And they don't care.

Well, maybe they do. But they don't show it. And it breaks my heart. I want her to have the support that she deserves!

This has been such a big year for her with regard to dance. Her first solo (likely not her last!). Dancing with "older" kids - being part of a group. A good group too! They gel well both on stage and off.

It's such a shame that my parents can't be there to see her. Their loss....

A Special Day Indeed!

**I know it's been a while...a long while...and I apologize, for all of you who've been chomping at the bit to read my blabbering!LOL Things have been hectic, in a word and while I seem to find time for Facebook, I rarely seem to find time to sit and write...but here I am today.

I was just reading a friend's blog (Hi Di!) about how she knew that she was meant to be with her husband about 3 months from when she started dating him. And as I was commenting on her blog, it lead me to remember, and how coincidentally that it was today of all days, how I had a similar revelation with Ben. So, today, I shall share the back story and the revelation of today...so many years ago!

In April of 1996, I was weeks away from graduating from UNC with my degree, but very unsure of what the future held. I'd just broken it off with a guy that I'd been dating for a month or so, nothing serious on my part, but WAY too serious on his - he was talking marriage and kids and I was thinking of partying and summer at the beach! I was 21 and not ready to "settle down" - at all - or so I thought.

I'd also decided earlier in the year that I wasn't sleeping with anyone else unless he was the man I was going to marry. While I realize this makes me sound like a hussy, I really wasn't, but had unfortunately let one too many men have their way with me and I regretted not taking more pride in myself. I was worth it!

Mid April, Ben walks into the video store that I worked at and in a roundabout way, asks me out. I, of course, say yes, because after all, who doesn't want free dinner? I'm thinking I have less than a month until I leave town, it would be fun to hang out and what not. Never in a MILLION years did I expect that Ben would be the "one".

After a week goes by and I don't hear from him, I call him and we make arrangements to go out the following night, Friday, April 26 - well, it was really more of hanging out than going out. We were going to go back to my dorm room and watch Mallrats. He picks me up at the video store and we go to my roommate's mom's house "for just a bit" as it's her brother's birthday celebration. At 1AM, we leave B's house and Ben takes me back to my car. We stand in the parking lot talking for a bit and while I'm in mid-sentence, he leans in and kisses me (I find out later that it's to prevent that awkward moment as you're leaving...nice...that Ben, always thinking ahead!). We make plans to go out the next day and he again tells me he'll pick me up at the video store after my shift.

He pulls up the next day with his boat in tow and we head to the lake for the afternoon. We drove around, he fished some (insert big eyeroll here!) and we danced on the boat and of course, kissed some more. He took me back to his house/his parent's house and made me dinner and I ended up spending the night. Nothing more than some heaving making out happened - remember, I'd vowed not to sleep with another man unless I knew. Okay, fine, it was he who turned me down that first night - I apparently am a hussy afterall! He took me back to my room at 6 the next morning as a bunch of my friends & I were headed to Carowinds for the day.

So, here it is, Sunday, April 28 - and my friend Kate & I are in the back of Lisa's parent's minivan on our way to Carowinds, discussing our weekends thus far. I tell Kate that I've met the man I'm going to marry. And she tells me "As your friend I feel I'm supposed to tell you that it's too soon and all that, but I can see in your eyes that you mean that"

April 28 - 2 days after we'd started dating, I knew that Ben was meant to be my husband. With every fiber of my being, in a way I'd never felt before (or after for that matter). I never really believed that it could happen. That you could actually *know* that soon. I always assumed it was lust or some other such base emotion. But no, it was real, true love that brought us together and has kept us together.

Today is April 28, 2009 ~ Ben & I have been together for 13 years. We were engaged within 6 months and married less than a year after we started dating.

And yes, I kept my vow...the next man I slept with was indeed the man I was going to marry and we didn't sleep together until we'd decided we were getting married!

Can I just tell you???

I can't believe I forgot to blog about this...but reading Sophia's pre-Valentine's/Gotcha Day post, reminded me of how important this was to me and that I needed to get it down before I forgot.

This year, Ana is in 2nd grade. She goes year-round. Midway through the first 9 weeks of school, her teacher (who, quite frankly, I wasn't all that impressed with!) told the students that she was leaving at the end of the 9 weeks. When this news made it home, I was none to pleased. You've seen how I've had a concern for Ana's learning, which was a well-founded concern I might add. And last year, her 1st grade teacher left to have a baby (Gasp! The nerve! LOL) after the 3rd 9 weeks. So, I was, I think understandably, concerned about the impact this would have on Ana during this school year. 4 teachers in 2 years, I just think it's a bit much. However...

OMG!! We got the BEST teacher, really, in the history of the world. Miss R. is not only young, but LOVES her job. She loves teaching these kids and you can see it in all that she does. On the first field trip with Miss R. while the other teachers were chatting with each other, Miss R. engaged her kids in a game of telephone, thereby making them the quietest kids waiting to go into the theater.

When I mentioned my concerns (and the previous teacher's concerns) about Ana's learning patterns, she took them seriously and researched options for visual aids to help Ana. She's been on top of it the whole time she's been in the classroom. Overall, the classroom is much happier as well. I know she doesn't see it, but it was so much more chaotic before she got in there and I think the single biggest thing is that the kids can tell that she genuinely wants to be in there with them.

Which brings us to this past Friday. We, as parents, had been sent home "Top Secret" homework - which was to make a Valentine for our kids. We'd also been asked to send in a baby picture of our child. This was across the second grade. The kids had been rehearsing a Valentine's Day program for us.

Friday morning, we wait in the cafeteria. The kids come in (the entire second grade) accompanied by Miss R. who gets them all - three classes - settled in their spots. And the program starts.

One after the other, the kids in Miss R's class get up, go to the microphone and recite, from memory, the poem that they've learned. She is off to the side, cheering each one of them on. After about 7-8 poems from Miss R's class, another class gets up and sings a song (You are My Sunshine). Then Miss R has another 7-8 kids, Ana was in this group, get up one, sometimes 2, at a time and recite their poems. The third class then gets us and sings a song (the name escapes me). After they're finished, the last 7-8 kids in Miss R's class recite their poems. All the while, Miss R is sitting just off to the side, instilling confidence in her kids and giving them the thumbs up when she can see that they're nervous.

Towards the end of the program, as I sat there with tears in my eyes, I realized, yet again, how amazing Miss R is. She could have taken the "easy" way out and taught the entire class one song or one poem. But instead, she made them each reach deep inside and stand alone and recite their poems. AND you could tell that she'd put thought into each poem that she selected for the kids. The kids that normally have "stage fright" got shorter poems while the kids that love an audience had longer ones. She paired up some kids who would have been way too nervous to go up their alone. She helped these kids practice and she had the idea for them to all have props for their poems. I still get chills thinking about how much work she had to have put into that program to showcase her kids! Words can't even describe how amazed I am by her. Of course, when you mention it, she just sort of blushes and says it's the kids, not her!

Oh, and those pictures...she put together a slide show of the entire second grade to show the kids and the parents of them when they were babies. She even included pictures of herself and the other teachers/assistants when they were little.

So now, I am so thankful that Ana's 1st second grade teacher left. Miss R has been such a blessing to us and to Ana. I don't think we'll ever be fortunate enough to have another teacher as wonderful as Miss R.

Ever have one of those days?

You know the ones where nothing seems to go right?

I had one of those today and it sucks.

Worse than that, I'm feeling very pity-partyish for myself. I'm feeling left out of a number of different things and I can't seem to shake the feeling. You know the one, where you never quite feel like you're "in"? Yeah, that's what I've got going on.

Of course, all of this has to happen and culminate on a day that's rainy and cold. My alarm failed to go off this morning too..I've got sick kids and bleck...

Tomorrow's got to be better, right??

*Sigh*

So, (I feel like most of my posts begin with this word!) we got the results from Ana's evaluation last week. The long and the short of it is yes, Ana does in fact have a learning disability but no, she doesn't qualify for SLD classes.

**Sigh**

The good news is, I'm not a crazy neurotic mother freaking out about something that doesn't exist. The bad news is, because she's on grade level (and above in some areas), there's nothing we can "do" until she falls behind. AND the psychologist feels that as the work gets harder, she may fall behind. Ugh.

We got a big fat dose of "yes there's a problem, but suck it up." Okay, that's not exactly what they said, but it's what it felt like.

Though her teacher said she'll keep looking for different ways to help Ana with her reversals. And the assistant principal said that she'll keep an eye on Ana when it comes to placing her in 3rd, 4th & 5th grade, so that's helpful. And apparently the psychologist who did the testing has the same learning disability that Ana does, so there's hope. She's got a PhD!

I'm getting better...

Things here have gotten a bit..okay, a lot better. Without meaning to, we took Julie's advice and just sort of let it go. Both Friday night and Saturday night, as we were getting into bed, I told Ben that I still wanted to "talk" - both nights he asked could we do it the next day, to which I said "of course". Here it is Sunday night and we've still not "talked" though things are going well. Maybe all that's been said is all that needs to be said?

Truly, I don't mind it this time. We're better, I think, having had the fight. We both, right now anyway, chosing our words wisely and speaking gently with each other. We touch each other more (and I don't mean that in a sexual way, at all!) - brushing by each other and making it a point to touch, holding hands while in the car, things like that. I know in those moments that we will be alright.

Not that ever I really doubted it...okay, fine, I did. I was worried for a bit on Friday. Worried that we wouldn't make it through this bump in the road. But, we will be fine, wonderful in fact. We have each other and at the end of it all, when we strip back down to the basics, we are still as in love as we were years ago when we vowed for better or worse. Life gets in our way, but it is so nice to know that we can always come back to each other, even when it seems that "each other" is the problem.

He's not perfect. Nor am I. It's learning to live with our own imperfections that is the difficult part. You'd think after almost 12 years of marriage, we'd have it all figured out. But we don't. And you know what? I think I like that. I like that Ben still has the ability to hurt me in a way that nobody else does. It's the ones you love the most that has that ability. Knowing that he can hurt me like only he can is huge. It means that I still, even today, love him with every fiber of my being. I like knowing that I can get to him as well. He won't show me that I've hurt him, but I can see it in the way he acts when I have. (Of course liking all of this is only when the issue is in the past. I don't like any of it when it's going on!)

And so here we go again...starting over, finding each other again, loving one another, making sure to put our relationship above "life". Making sure that *we* are important! Making sure that we ARE going to make it!